A letter to my fellow Americans...

Happy Birthday America! You are getting better and better with age, I tell you! However, I've got a little something to discuss with my fellow Americans. America, go sit next to your balloons and presents and eat some cake while the grown ups talk for a bit.

My fellow Americans:

Now look, I know it's exciting to come to the "big city" to watch the fireworks on the national mall and all. I know it's fun to put on your tall white tube socks with your black velcro tennis shoes and your disgustingly coordinated red, white, and blue outfit with a matching bejeweled visor from the Quacker Factory and that ever-present fanny pack, but you have simply gone too far for this year's festivities. Now don't get me wrong. I love America too. I really do. I just don't feel the need to be decked out in our nation's colors to watch a 20-minute fireworks display. I agree, this country is bangin', but for the love of God, please listen to me the next time you come to visit the nation's capital.

1.) With regard to escalators: stand right, walk left. Let's do that one again. Stand RIGHT, walk LEFT. Yes, yes. It's so damn adorable to take pictures of yourself standing on the metro escalator making funny faces, holding up peace signs, and giving that "sideways kissy face with a wink" look to the camera while giggling with your 13 year old peers. Don't mind me as I say, politely at first, "on your left" and attempt to pass you. After you ignore my warning, don't mind me when I say "get the fuck out of my way and stand to the right, please." Snarl at me all you want. You are a dumbass. I live here. You don't. Please leave. Mmmmkgreat.

2.) Don't sit in the middle of the train car just because you don't feel like standing. The ride isn't all that long, and you are taking up valuable standing space that should be reserved to all the other Metro riders. They paid just as much as you did to use this system, so use common courtesy (and sense, mind you) and refrain from exhibiting the Lotus position on the floor of a metro train car. Again, you look like a dumbass.

3.) Don't complain about how "crowded" the cars are. Of course they are crowded. There are approximately a gagillion of you using the metro to get from point A to point B. Did you really expect each car to be empty? Did you really expect it would only take 5 minutes to get from Capitol South back to your Arlington-based hotel? Oh, and stop talking so loudly. Believe it or not, we all don't want to hear about your husband's back problems or the fact that you loved THE Smithsonian today. FAIL. Utter and epic fail on all counts.

4.) Your metro card goes into the FRONT of the turnstile. It comes out the TOP of the turnstile. If you are using one of the handicap accessible turnstiles, your metro card goes into AND comes back out of the FRONT of the turnstile. Don't place your metro card on top of the blue and green "SmarTrip" sensor. You do not have a SmartTrip card. Your metro card will not sense a damn thing. Again, this is because you do not have a SmartTrip card. Problems? Please see a Metro employee. Don't stand in front of the turnstile dumbfounded. You staring at it in disbelief does not help me get through the station quickly. In fact, you probably just made me miss my blue line train to Franconia/Springfield. FUCK. YOU.

In truth, I'm glad to see you enjoyed your stay in the Washington, D.C. area. The fireworks really are a sight to see, and I think every American should make it a point to view them in person at least once. However, it would make my day go a lot smoother if you would simply heed my advice. Thank you. That is all.

Warmest regards,
Sarah